Hello again! Great to see your interest in knowing more about the Thinking Addict and the story behind the creation of this website.
I am excited to see you here and look forward to get to know you personally if you are interested, but let me introduce myself.
“I want to know the truth!”John Theodore
My name is John Theodore, John being my actual name and Theodore is my tribute to God’s gift of salvation in Jesus the Christ my Lord.
I was born into a normal family, living according to traditional values, with my father working and my mother choosing to stay at home to take care of her boys.
For the most part I would say that I had a good childhood and was taken care of and protected, but little did I know how much little things like a missing fatherly care, peer rejection and childhood sexual abuse was going to affect my ability to cope with life and feel safe in my relationships.
I was clueless about my own hurt up until the moment I met the person of Jesus Christ in the Bible. And from that encounter and flowing from that relationship came a wellspring of enlightenment and new life.
The year of 2012 and the “End of the world”
Do you remember that Maya calendar and the end of the world speculations in 2012? Well, in that year, my clueless careless world bubble broke and I had to reposition myself in a new way as I realised that things were very different from what I had assumed and that I had been lied to.
The quest for truth became one of my core values and so said to myself “I want to know the truth!”
Within the years of 2012 and 2013, I made my way through the world of spiritual new age philosophies, Hinduism and Buddhism, up to occultism and listened and watched many channels of conspiracy related topics, looking for the truth wherever it could be found. It was a time consuming and emotionally exhaustive endeavour but it had it’s purpose.
Some of the effects it had on my view of self and my relationships were broken and nothing to be proud of, but everything helped to shape my critical thinking and to find cornerstone values and a voice in a BIG world full of uncertainties.
2012 was also the year during which I first encountered the real personality of Jesus. Though I had grown up with religion, this person of Jesus was very different from what I had been taught by religion and the world around me.
At fisr I didn’t want any of it, but as my search progressed in 2012 and 2013 I eventually had to give him a chance to reveal himself to me.
When I did it, I was converted to God, and trusted my life into the hands of Jesus Christ. It had profound implications for my life and worldview. I had to wrestle with the claims of the Lord and his disciples in the Bible which were challenging my sinfulness and unquestioned materialistic worldview.
I had to deal with fundamental questions about the very existence of mankind, his place in the vastness of space and the complexity of life. The more I challenged the mainline beliefs I had been taught, the more I ended up believing in the historical account of the person of Jesus of Nazareth, in his claims and in his bodily resurrection from the dead.
I started blogging for the first time in late 2014, when I felt the urge to share the good news of Jesus Christ that was revealed to me in April 2013. I matured in wisdom that was shared with me and that I drew from the Bible and I grew closer to the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.
The blog worked, I wrote several articles and posted opinions and resources about the Bible and topics related to the Christian worldview.
The worldview presented in the Bible and the historical evidence about Jesus had a better foundation in reality than the theories proposed by various experts that excluded the existence of God by default. I had to make a decision, though it seemed more like the decision had already been made.
Unable to stop addictive behaviours
Fast forward to 2018. I was growing in knowledge and trust that the Bible is true and that the words and commandments of God in the Bible were good for human life in general and good for me personally. Yet, growing in knowledge didn’t take care of my wounded heart.
My young Christian life was overshadowed by my inability to stop my use of alcohol, watching pornography online and binging into hours of playing video games and watching movies. Have I mentioned losing a few thousand euros gambling roulette and speculating in the derivatives market? Yeah, that’s me.
“Nevertheless, growing in knowledge didn’t take care of my wounded heart.”John Theodore
Beginning in September 2014, I knew that I had a problem to stop my use of porn and I started to reach out for help. I read a book, then used an accountability software, but, let’s be honest, I was not really fighting it. I was not desperate enough. I still believed I could pull myself out of the mire. And I should, right?
Obviously, I am the one who got myself into this terrible state, so I should be the one to bear the consequences. But, I only did the bare minimum of effort, believing it would go away “by this time next year”.
Becoming aware of the true consequences of porn on my brain and my relationships, made me feel even worse. I was struggling with shame and guilt. My despair and hopelessness were growing. Self-harm and suicidal thoughts were part of my life and I isolated my (true, ugly) self from everyone.
I am not living with integrity. I knew that God loves me and wants the best for me, but all I saw and believed was me failing and falling BIG TIME, again and again.
“I am not living with integrity. I knew that God loves me and wants the best for me, but all I saw and believed was me failing and falling BIG TIME, again and again.”John
I tried to stop these behaviours. I didn’t want to go back. I had decided to stop porn and stop supporting the abuse and objectification of women. I had promised myself to stop alcohol use. I had decided that I would use my time wisely. But no ultimate change.
I knew more about the effects of my addictions and didn’t want them in my life anymore. I wanted to turn away from my self-destructive ways of coping with the stress and anxiety in life and get rid of my shame and guilt.
Yet, I continued to seek comfort in porn and games, relief in alcohol and security in high risk investing opportunities.
The truth was I had no clue what was driving me and what caused me to go back to the old ways of dealing with life. I was incapable of stopping the downward spiral. But it took time for me to believe that this was so.
Self-harm and suicidal thoughts came up more regularly and I was despairing of life as a believer in Christ.
I studied hard to improve myself and to learn everything that I needed to learn in order to live up to the Christian standard. I worked on biblical manhood in 2017 and prepared myself for my future wife.
Then it came about that I made contact with a Christian lady for a couple of weeks and we talked over texts and through voice messages. Everything was okay from far, but then…
One evening, I found myself looking at webcams when she texted me. I came face to face with the biggest failure a man can have when he pursues a woman: I responded and texted with her while having pornographic material running in the background.
When I woke up the next morning realising what I had done, I knew I had to change, there was no way that I could allow this kind of behaviour. This was not who I wanted to be nor would allow myself to be.
I needed help.
Now, facing the truth, seeing where I was, I found the courage to seek help and to believe that change is possible.
That is where my story of healing in Christ took root, but seeking the truth is where the journey started in 2012 and where seeds found good soil to grow and bear fruit toward decisions in 2017 that changed my life for the better.
I had to get the pieces of my story together, open up and embrace my true identity as a child of God in Jesus Christ. There is no other way, and I am more convinced of it by the day.
This is how this blog came into being, this is why I invite you dear reader to join me on a journey of Identity, Accountability and Hope. You are worthy of love and belonging and God made all the provisions you need.
This is only a part of my story and by God’s grace I have much more wisdom to share with you that might encourage and help you on your own journey.
I would love to get to know you.
If you want, contact me and make that first step toward a life free from despair and hopelessness.
King James Version (KJV)
Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,
Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.
For consider him that endured such contradiction of sinners against himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds.